[Whenever someone approaches with any equivalent of 'don't laugh, but-,' there was the basic human reaction to snicker prematurely. Anyone who said otherwise was a dirty liar.
So a smirk begins to pull at Gintoki's features before he responds, ready for a laugh at this guy's expense.]
[That imagined sigh buzzed in his ears. He could almost hear the uncertain shudder of a man ready for regret...
But the next message comes in and Gintoki is suddenly wondering if he is the one who should be feeling regret. You give a guy one blow job and then suddenly it comes to this...?! What did it even mean?
He'd joked that the Shinsengumi had been full of homos but he hadn't--!
Abort. Abort!]
I'm sorry.
You've reached the wrong number. Please hang up and do not try again.
[Oh no. The ground was breaking out from under him. He had taken a cop around the block! Helped him round a base he'd never gotten to...!
The weight of the world was suddenly on his shoulders. Even as a defensive message buzzed in to correct him, he felt regret causing his nerves to cringe and quiver.
Because if he hadn't enlightened this man in some way, then he wouldn't be asking such a weird question...!]
How?! You mean like. Y'know. You find the hole and you stick it in? It can be sort of scary, going from a metal blade to a flesh one - but if you take a breath, even you will succeed.
Is that what you wanted to hear? Reassurance that you could find the hole? Big brother believes in you-
Well, what I'm about to tell you also applies to women too...
Actually, are you sure you're ready for this sort of insider knowledge? It will change your entire perspective on manhood.
Ah...
Maybe you aren't ready.
[Now that he's re-established (read: reminded himself) that he still has control in this exchange, he's a less skittish in his typing. Why should he be the one sweating over this?
It was time to make this jerk squirm. Maybe then he'd give up and Gintoki wouldn't have to type something embarrassing.]
The question was implied! I shouldn't have to ask 'Will you tell me how to give anal to another guy?' outright. Neither of us wants that! [Ah, but you just asked.]
It's not an issue of what I 'want', either. Stop making idiotic assumptions and focus.
Give me the step by step. Including preparation. [Demanding again, but at least he's more specific. Even if he's clenching his teeth as he sends the message.]
[Of course. How could Gintoki ever forget the world full of psychopathic mohawk bikers that Hijikata saved him from...? Shame on him.]
Well, if you want a clean exchange make sure the guy hasn't eaten something questionable like mayonnaise. If you can get him to clean out his ass, then you can absolutely avoid any sort of skid marks, you know?
Then you lube up. Like greasing a cake pan. Just go at it with your fingers, right? One at a time and build up. Work at it and get it ready-
Then lube yourself up and uh. I mean. I think you got the rest, right?
Just. Think of it like you're getting ready to fill a cake pan. Don't go too hard out the gate or they're never going to let you in the back gate ever again, got it?
[Maybe if you were capable of being sufferable, Gintoki wouldn't be giving you shit.]
Fine.
[You asked for it, buddy.]
You fill the enema bag with water. Some people dilute a little tea or lemon juice in it, but who knows. I feel like shoving that stuff in your ass is a little...
Ah, but you know. Whatever. Follow your dreams.
So the bag has a tube. Make sure the water runs through the tube without a hitch then clamp it shut. Lube the tip of the tube and shove it up there while you're lying down. Elevate the bag and unclamp it.
And uh. Yeah. Let the water go in. Slow. If it's fast, you're gonna shit the bed. Then just kinda. Take in what you can. Stop. Let the water sit and then uh. Do you business.
Lube, just get some lube. Don't use mayo. Don't get the shitty lube that burns. You don't want a burnt asshole. There are nice fruity lubes, but they aren't very sweet. Then just. get a condom. Who cares? Just glove it up.
Glove it up and stick it in the oven.... You know?
He doesn't know what's more jarring - the idiotic interjections or the bits where Odd Jobs actually explains things properly.]
Got it.
I'm not going to use mayo! [He wouldn't defile it!
All of this has left him with a lot of questions. Why are you tasting lube? What's the point of putting tea in your ass? Isn't glove it and stick it in the oven a mixed metaphor? But, most importantly of all-] Why the hell do they make lube that burns!? It's labeled, right? What is it called? [A whole new world of worst case scenarios.
There are a few lubes! Just read the labels, you idiot. Usually they say something like 'warming' or 'tingling' but all it does is light your sphincter on fire. Save yourself the pain.
[Okay, but fanning the flames of worst-case scenarios admittedly makes up for the terrible explanation he just had to give.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
VIDEO
no subject
So a smirk begins to pull at Gintoki's features before he responds, ready for a laugh at this guy's expense.]
Yeah? Come at me, Mr. Policeman.
no subject
Okay. [His sigh of gathering confidence is almost audible in the pause between messages.]
I know you've had sex with men.
Tell me. [The need for elaboration got trumped by the need to be really fucking embarrassed...]
no subject
But the next message comes in and Gintoki is suddenly wondering if he is the one who should be feeling regret. You give a guy one blow job and then suddenly it comes to this...?! What did it even mean?
He'd joked that the Shinsengumi had been full of homos but he hadn't--!
Abort. Abort!]
I'm sorry.
You've reached the wrong number. Please hang up and do not try again.
no subject
Don't try to dodge this, idiot! I said it was important! Do you think I want to be having this conversation any more than you do!?
no subject
Wait...
Did that mean you were a Cherry Boy before the other night?
[Say no. He was not ready to take a cop from C to D!]
no subject
Just, how.
[He really shouldn't gratify the rest of that with a response but here he is, doing it anyway.]
It's none of your business, but NO. And shut up. I'm the one asking questions.
no subject
The weight of the world was suddenly on his shoulders. Even as a defensive message buzzed in to correct him, he felt regret causing his nerves to cringe and quiver.
Because if he hadn't enlightened this man in some way, then he wouldn't be asking such a weird question...!]
How?! You mean like. Y'know. You find the hole and you stick it in? It can be sort of scary, going from a metal blade to a flesh one - but if you take a breath, even you will succeed.
Is that what you wanted to hear? Reassurance that you could find the hole? Big brother believes in you-
no subject
I know that much! What you're telling me applies to women, too!
Don't be coy with me, Odd Jobs. You've done it before, so you know there's more to it than that.
Tell me.
no subject
Actually, are you sure you're ready for this sort of insider knowledge? It will change your entire perspective on manhood.
Ah...
Maybe you aren't ready.
[Now that he's re-established (read: reminded himself) that he still has control in this exchange, he's a less skittish in his typing. Why should he be the one sweating over this?
It was time to make this jerk squirm.
Maybe then he'd give up and Gintoki wouldn't have to type something embarrassing.]no subject
Right. [He knew that! Don't make him out to be some sort of virginal idiot-]
It's not a matter of being ready, it's a matter of necessity.
Stop stalling.
no subject
Necessity? Huh?
Ah.
Have you already gotten so tangled up that you owe your ass to someone...? That was fast-
no subject
No! It's none of your business!
You're still stalling. Get to it so we can be done with this!
no subject
You're gonna have to tell the guy you promised the truth and fumble just like everybody else. How bout that?
drag him
I can't do that. Unlike you, I actually try to follow through when someone trusts me with something.
no subject
Tch.
You never even asked a proper question, you idiot cop! You were too busy choking on the idea of admitting ya wanna try anal.
[Mean. Fine. Hurry up with the real question, asshole.]
no subject
It's not an issue of what I 'want', either. Stop making idiotic assumptions and focus.
Give me the step by step. Including preparation. [Demanding again, but at least he's more specific. Even if he's clenching his teeth as he sends the message.]
no subject
[Pity the poor sap who was on the receiving end of all this...]
So you need to like. lube 'em up good. It's kinda mes-
Wait. Are you going for the whole like. enema sorta process or just the dirty quick sort?
[You wanted this, Hijikata. Remember. You wanted to receive this sort of text message and elaboration.]
no subject
The whole thing.
Don't you dare cut out a single step, or I'll cut something out of you. [Ready or not, here he goes-]
no subject
Well, if you want a clean exchange make sure the guy hasn't eaten something questionable like mayonnaise. If you can get him to clean out his ass, then you can absolutely avoid any sort of skid marks, you know?
Then you lube up. Like greasing a cake pan. Just go at it with your fingers, right? One at a time and build up. Work at it and get it ready-
Then lube yourself up and uh. I mean. I think you got the rest, right?
Just. Think of it like you're getting ready to fill a cake pan. Don't go too hard out the gate or they're never going to let you in the back gate ever again, got it?
That make sense? Huh?
no subject
But it does make sense. Mostly.]
He's not going to know what to do with an enema if I just hand him one. You have to elaborate on that, too.
Also, there are too many different kinds of lube. Tell me which one to get. Same for condoms.
And stop using cake to explain things!
no subject
[Man, Oogushi-kun, you're awfully needy.]
Tch. Enemas come with instructions, you know! Why not just read those, huh? Instead of making poor ol' Gin-san have to spit all that out.
And picking out the lube and condoms too? You want me to be your stand in and just do the deed for ya? At this rate, that might be your only hope.
no subject
[Die. Maybe if you were capable of doing things right the first time he wouldn't have to be so demanding.]
I will read them. But that doesn't mean I'm letting you off - tell me. I'd rather hear you stumble through it than end up missing something later.
Cut it out and just answer me! I don't want you involved in this any more than necessary.
no subject
Fine.
[You asked for it, buddy.]
You fill the enema bag with water. Some people dilute a little tea or lemon juice in it, but who knows. I feel like shoving that stuff in your ass is a little...
Ah, but you know. Whatever. Follow your dreams.
So the bag has a tube. Make sure the water runs through the tube without a hitch then clamp it shut. Lube the tip of the tube and shove it up there while you're lying down. Elevate the bag and unclamp it.
And uh. Yeah. Let the water go in. Slow. If it's fast, you're gonna shit the bed. Then just kinda. Take in what you can. Stop. Let the water sit and then uh. Do you business.
Lube, just get some lube. Don't use mayo. Don't get the shitty lube that burns. You don't want a burnt asshole. There are nice fruity lubes, but they aren't very sweet. Then just. get a condom. Who cares? Just glove it up.
Glove it up and stick it in the oven.... You know?
no subject
He doesn't know what's more jarring - the idiotic interjections or the bits where Odd Jobs actually explains things properly.]
Got it.
I'm not going to use mayo! [He wouldn't defile it!
All of this has left him with a lot of questions. Why are you tasting lube? What's the point of putting tea in your ass? Isn't glove it and stick it in the oven a mixed metaphor? But, most importantly of all-] Why the hell do they make lube that burns!? It's labeled, right? What is it called? [A whole new world of worst case scenarios.
Thanks.]
no subject
[Okay, but fanning the flames of worst-case scenarios admittedly makes up for the terrible explanation he just had to give.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)