The question was implied! I shouldn't have to ask 'Will you tell me how to give anal to another guy?' outright. Neither of us wants that! [Ah, but you just asked.]
It's not an issue of what I 'want', either. Stop making idiotic assumptions and focus.
Give me the step by step. Including preparation. [Demanding again, but at least he's more specific. Even if he's clenching his teeth as he sends the message.]
[Of course. How could Gintoki ever forget the world full of psychopathic mohawk bikers that Hijikata saved him from...? Shame on him.]
Well, if you want a clean exchange make sure the guy hasn't eaten something questionable like mayonnaise. If you can get him to clean out his ass, then you can absolutely avoid any sort of skid marks, you know?
Then you lube up. Like greasing a cake pan. Just go at it with your fingers, right? One at a time and build up. Work at it and get it ready-
Then lube yourself up and uh. I mean. I think you got the rest, right?
Just. Think of it like you're getting ready to fill a cake pan. Don't go too hard out the gate or they're never going to let you in the back gate ever again, got it?
[Maybe if you were capable of being sufferable, Gintoki wouldn't be giving you shit.]
Fine.
[You asked for it, buddy.]
You fill the enema bag with water. Some people dilute a little tea or lemon juice in it, but who knows. I feel like shoving that stuff in your ass is a little...
Ah, but you know. Whatever. Follow your dreams.
So the bag has a tube. Make sure the water runs through the tube without a hitch then clamp it shut. Lube the tip of the tube and shove it up there while you're lying down. Elevate the bag and unclamp it.
And uh. Yeah. Let the water go in. Slow. If it's fast, you're gonna shit the bed. Then just kinda. Take in what you can. Stop. Let the water sit and then uh. Do you business.
Lube, just get some lube. Don't use mayo. Don't get the shitty lube that burns. You don't want a burnt asshole. There are nice fruity lubes, but they aren't very sweet. Then just. get a condom. Who cares? Just glove it up.
Glove it up and stick it in the oven.... You know?
He doesn't know what's more jarring - the idiotic interjections or the bits where Odd Jobs actually explains things properly.]
Got it.
I'm not going to use mayo! [He wouldn't defile it!
All of this has left him with a lot of questions. Why are you tasting lube? What's the point of putting tea in your ass? Isn't glove it and stick it in the oven a mixed metaphor? But, most importantly of all-] Why the hell do they make lube that burns!? It's labeled, right? What is it called? [A whole new world of worst case scenarios.
There are a few lubes! Just read the labels, you idiot. Usually they say something like 'warming' or 'tingling' but all it does is light your sphincter on fire. Save yourself the pain.
[Okay, but fanning the flames of worst-case scenarios admittedly makes up for the terrible explanation he just had to give.]
Ah. Well. Uh. Warm? Luke-warm? Don't put hot water on something that's burning! But cold might be too much!
[Pity the poor fool who is going to have sex with this guy...!]
Soap? Uh. Some soaps can burn your asshole, you know. So you gotta be careful about that too. Maybe just stick to some water. You can't fuck up warm water.
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VIDEO
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Right. [He knew that! Don't make him out to be some sort of virginal idiot-]
It's not a matter of being ready, it's a matter of necessity.
Stop stalling.
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Necessity? Huh?
Ah.
Have you already gotten so tangled up that you owe your ass to someone...? That was fast-
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No! It's none of your business!
You're still stalling. Get to it so we can be done with this!
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You're gonna have to tell the guy you promised the truth and fumble just like everybody else. How bout that?
drag him
I can't do that. Unlike you, I actually try to follow through when someone trusts me with something.
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Tch.
You never even asked a proper question, you idiot cop! You were too busy choking on the idea of admitting ya wanna try anal.
[Mean. Fine. Hurry up with the real question, asshole.]
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It's not an issue of what I 'want', either. Stop making idiotic assumptions and focus.
Give me the step by step. Including preparation. [Demanding again, but at least he's more specific. Even if he's clenching his teeth as he sends the message.]
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[Pity the poor sap who was on the receiving end of all this...]
So you need to like. lube 'em up good. It's kinda mes-
Wait. Are you going for the whole like. enema sorta process or just the dirty quick sort?
[You wanted this, Hijikata. Remember. You wanted to receive this sort of text message and elaboration.]
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The whole thing.
Don't you dare cut out a single step, or I'll cut something out of you. [Ready or not, here he goes-]
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Well, if you want a clean exchange make sure the guy hasn't eaten something questionable like mayonnaise. If you can get him to clean out his ass, then you can absolutely avoid any sort of skid marks, you know?
Then you lube up. Like greasing a cake pan. Just go at it with your fingers, right? One at a time and build up. Work at it and get it ready-
Then lube yourself up and uh. I mean. I think you got the rest, right?
Just. Think of it like you're getting ready to fill a cake pan. Don't go too hard out the gate or they're never going to let you in the back gate ever again, got it?
That make sense? Huh?
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But it does make sense. Mostly.]
He's not going to know what to do with an enema if I just hand him one. You have to elaborate on that, too.
Also, there are too many different kinds of lube. Tell me which one to get. Same for condoms.
And stop using cake to explain things!
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[Man, Oogushi-kun, you're awfully needy.]
Tch. Enemas come with instructions, you know! Why not just read those, huh? Instead of making poor ol' Gin-san have to spit all that out.
And picking out the lube and condoms too? You want me to be your stand in and just do the deed for ya? At this rate, that might be your only hope.
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[Die. Maybe if you were capable of doing things right the first time he wouldn't have to be so demanding.]
I will read them. But that doesn't mean I'm letting you off - tell me. I'd rather hear you stumble through it than end up missing something later.
Cut it out and just answer me! I don't want you involved in this any more than necessary.
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Fine.
[You asked for it, buddy.]
You fill the enema bag with water. Some people dilute a little tea or lemon juice in it, but who knows. I feel like shoving that stuff in your ass is a little...
Ah, but you know. Whatever. Follow your dreams.
So the bag has a tube. Make sure the water runs through the tube without a hitch then clamp it shut. Lube the tip of the tube and shove it up there while you're lying down. Elevate the bag and unclamp it.
And uh. Yeah. Let the water go in. Slow. If it's fast, you're gonna shit the bed. Then just kinda. Take in what you can. Stop. Let the water sit and then uh. Do you business.
Lube, just get some lube. Don't use mayo. Don't get the shitty lube that burns. You don't want a burnt asshole. There are nice fruity lubes, but they aren't very sweet. Then just. get a condom. Who cares? Just glove it up.
Glove it up and stick it in the oven.... You know?
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He doesn't know what's more jarring - the idiotic interjections or the bits where Odd Jobs actually explains things properly.]
Got it.
I'm not going to use mayo! [He wouldn't defile it!
All of this has left him with a lot of questions. Why are you tasting lube? What's the point of putting tea in your ass? Isn't glove it and stick it in the oven a mixed metaphor? But, most importantly of all-] Why the hell do they make lube that burns!? It's labeled, right? What is it called? [A whole new world of worst case scenarios.
Thanks.]
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[Okay, but fanning the flames of worst-case scenarios admittedly makes up for the terrible explanation he just had to give.]
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Just in case, tell me what to do if something like that does go wrong. [Now he's all paranoid. Redirection successful, perm bastard.]
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Uh.
Well you gotta like. put water on it. Wait it out. But clean that shit off/out. That's about all you can do-
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Hot or cold. Soap? [He's imagining this too vividly - his heart rate is increasing!]
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[Pity the poor fool who is going to have sex with this guy...!]
Soap? Uh. Some soaps can burn your asshole, you know. So you gotta be careful about that too. Maybe just stick to some water. You can't fuck up warm water.
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But he'll keep those disaster fantasies to himself.]
I know, I know. That's why I asked. Water is fine. It'll be fine. [Right?]
If that's all, then we're done.
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Done?
Uh, we haven't talked about my consultation fee yet. You ain't getting out of this that easy.
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Which means a contingency plan for everything!]
Later.
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Chocolate sundae. Three of them.
[You may have gotten out of giving him a return blow job or handy (for now), but you aren't getting out of this, buddy!]
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Only if this goes well.
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