Lagunbiru IC Inbox

[yorozuya]

IC Inbox VIDEO TEXT AUDIO

Comments

[yorozuya]

There are a few lubes! Just read the labels, you idiot. Usually they say something like 'warming' or 'tingling' but all it does is light your sphincter on fire. Save yourself the pain.

[Okay, but fanning the flames of worst-case scenarios admittedly makes up for the terrible explanation he just had to give.]

[mayora13]

It's not me that needs saving, but I'll check.

Just in case, tell me what to do if something like that does go wrong. [Now he's all paranoid. Redirection successful, perm bastard.]

[yorozuya]

Huh? What to do if it starts burning?

Uh.

Well you gotta like. put water on it. Wait it out. But clean that shit off/out. That's about all you can do-

[mayora13]

Water. That's it?

Hot or cold. Soap? [He's imagining this too vividly - his heart rate is increasing!]

[yorozuya]

Ah. Well. Uh. Warm? Luke-warm? Don't put hot water on something that's burning! But cold might be too much!

[Pity the poor fool who is going to have sex with this guy...!]

Soap? Uh. Some soaps can burn your asshole, you know. So you gotta be careful about that too. Maybe just stick to some water. You can't fuck up warm water.

[mayora13]

[Allow him to think of all the ways warm water could, indeed, fuck up-

But he'll keep those disaster fantasies to himself.]

I know, I know. That's why I asked. Water is fine. It'll be fine. [Right?]

If that's all, then we're done.

[yorozuya]

[It's warm water! You'd have to be trying to fuck that up! Are you trying to make your future partner's first time a disaster, huh?!]

Done?

Uh, we haven't talked about my consultation fee yet. You ain't getting out of this that easy.

[mayora13]

[No! He's trying to make it the best it can be-

Which means a contingency plan for everything!]

Later.

[yorozuya]

[Too many contingency plans is just begging for disaster! Sometimes you just gotta wing it!]

Chocolate sundae. Three of them.

[You may have gotten out of giving him a return blow job or handy (for now), but you aren't getting out of this, buddy!]

[mayora13]

[Not for now. FOREVER! He never made any promises-]

Only if this goes well.

[yorozuya]

[Brocode goes without promises.]

Oi! That wasn't part of the deal. If it goes well, I want a bonus, Mr. Policeman.

[mayora13]

[Brocode. Not homocode.]

We never had a 'deal'! Be thankful I'm even willing to give you the three sundaes!

[yorozuya]

[Brocode includes blowcode. Haven't you ever set foot in a fraternity? You have to know that, being a part of the Shinsengumi and all!]

It was an unspoken deal! I gave you a warning about burnt assholes and skid dicks, even!

[mayora13]

[NO??? SHUT UP]

Nothing in writing, doesn't count. It's basic practice.

[yorozuya]

Cops are crooks! Leeching off my knowledge of ass and leaving me to dry?! Really?

[mayora13]

I said I'd give you the parfaits, so stop complaining and leave me alone.

[yorozuya]

Fine, fine.

But just remember how ol' Gin-san saved your ass from burning and really wonder if maybe he deserves a little more. Have you ever had an ass burn? Clearly you haven't-

[mayora13]

I told you it's not my ass that needs saved! And I haven't. I'm not going to!

[But he's thinking of you with pity now, since you're acting like you've suffered it first hand.]

[yorozuya]

Maybe not this time! But the next? Or the time after that?

Someday, I will have saved your ass.

[The status of the wrongs his ass has suffered will forever remain a mystery, thank you.]

[mayora13]

[No. Thank YOU. He doesn't want to know.]

Babbling like an idiot isn't going to get you anything more out of this.

Just stop.

[yorozuya]

This again? Every time I get ready to stop, you tell me to stop. Which means I can't just stop or it'll make it look like I was listening to you, idiot! So shut up!

[mayora13]

[You listened to him just fine when he told you to tell him what he needed to know.

But fine.]

Huh? That's stupid. You're ridiculous!

Goodbye. [There, he'll save them both!]

[yorozuya]

[That was a desperate situation! That was then, this is now!]

Your need for the last word is what's stupid and ridiculous.

So ha!

Bye.

[Victory.]

[mayora13]

[Stop being so damn concerned about who gets the last word!

He says, typing a message-]

That's you, not me.

Bye.

[yorozuya]

[This was the true fallacy of man, coming to fruition.]

Says the guy who came back just to get the last word.

Bye.